Confessions Of A Fat Bitch

12 A.M. My journey commences at Belly Buster Burritos. Short on provisions I strike first with the “Bodacious Burrito.” For those unfamiliar, the awesomely underused adjective “Bodacious” implies that the quantity of two “Belly Buster” Burritos will be rolled into one floury mess for $9.00. Three bites later the contents have spilled onto the wrapper and I am now struggling to eat with my hands. This stop would have all been in vain were it not for the complimentary chips and salsa.

12:15 A.M. Still hungry. I take ten steps and arrive at the 24-hour McDonald’s with a “whoa new look.” Long lines, pleather chairs in front of a kerosene fireplace and an obtuse HDTV. The aroma of french fries invades my nostrils. “#1 Large, please.” Impatience creeps in as I wait a full five minutes before they hand me my bag of grease. Large coke and three tubs of ketchup from what resembles a keg tap. Three pieces of bread, two dripping beef patties, multiple toppings and secret sauce; I’m on my way to a Big Mac Heart Attack.

12:40 A.M. Satisfied, but there’s room for more. Making a slight detour on Sowers St. I aim to answer the question on the large neon sign before me: Are U Hungry? Amidst a wall menu of “Fat” sandwiches, I settle on the classic “Fat Bitch.” For $6.69 I loosen my belt for an 8-inch cheesesteak topped with chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, mayo, ketchup, and fries. I am stalled after finishing barely half the sandwich, but I chomp along in fear of being labeled a you-know-what.

The walk down Calder Way helps settle the 2-3 pounds of undigested food in my churning stomach. It’s just after 1:00 A.M. I must keep going; I must stand-up for my brethren who are confined to sofas and plush chairs (most likely waiting for wings to be delivered).

Ascending the slight incline towards Beaver Ave, the word “dough” catches my eye and I order a “Buffer Zone,” or Buffalo Chicken calzone. While waiting for my boxed pizza alternative, I gaze at a gallery of stereotypical posters. Between a screenshot from Old School and I HEART BEER, it feels like the dorm room of John Q. Freshman, a double major in Natty and Vlady. I ponder what the letters “D.P.” might stand for. Dire Poison? Dog Poop? Double Penetration? Nevertheless, the quality and taste of this oversized ‘zone is above anything I’ve had all night.

1:30 A.M. Filled beyond capacity, yet still hungry, I take my longest break of the night and continue west towards Pugh St. It’s not enough to have one “Fat” Sandwich maker within a one mile radius; State College needs two (three if you count the second Are U Hungry?). Following a lawsuit over copyright infringement, Mr. C’s Grill Specialties has arguably become king of the “Fat” market. Offering an equal range of heart-burning sandwiches at competitive prices, Mr. C’s inches past Are U Hungry? in both size and quality. Though second to open State College, they claim to have invented the “Fat” concept at Rutgers University in 1984. But none of that matters now, as I’m inhaling a 12-inch “Fat Beach” before a crowd of invisible spectators.

That last stop changed the game. Stumbling back onto College Ave, I am disoriented and nauseous. I struggle to keep from puking in passing trashcans. My only motivation is fear – fear of getting cited by the police for underage over-consumption. I cross Allen St., holding my nose as to avoid the buttery bait of The Diner’s famous Stickies. It’s even harder to slip past the new 24/7 Dunkin’ Donuts. A Blue Loop whizzes by. I need urgent care at Mt. Nittany Medical Center, but I refrain. Those ambulance rides are expensive.

1:59 A.M. I collapse on the doorstep of Taco Bell. The interior purples and teals are as vibrant as my grandfather described on his deathbed. The smells, Oh, the smells! Crawling through the maze line like a pig, I stand and order the Fiesta Platter I’ve seen advertised so many times on T.V. They hand me a large black airline-style tray. It is probably enough food to satisfy a starving family in Africa for a day. If only they had T-Bell in the Serengeti…

For now, its time for Fourthmeal, or, in my case, sixth meal.